Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Category Archives: The Onion News
[audio] Accident Reconstructionist A Hit At Family Reunion
September 7, 2008 – 11:09 pm
[video] Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life
September 7, 2008 – 11:09 pm
After comprehending the capricious nature of fate, the Jaguars could not go through with the charade of playing a meaningless football game.
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[audio] Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage
September 7, 2008 – 12:09 am
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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No One On SWAT Team Wants To Wait In Ventilation Duct With Howard
September 6, 2008 – 5:09 pm
CHICAGO—”I got stuck on a rooftop with Howard a month ago, and with no prompting he acted out about 20 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite,” said one SWAT officer.
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[audio] Homicidal Surgeon General May Be Hazardous To Your Health
September 6, 2008 – 12:09 am
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
September 5, 2008 – 7:09 pm
DAYTON, TN—”I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits,” said one Darwinic pilgrim.
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Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery
September 5, 2008 – 6:09 pm
British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do…
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[audio] New ‘Gatorade Slow’ Targets Lazy Demographic
September 5, 2008 – 1:09 am
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Drug Dealer Disappointed Josh Hamilton Didn’t Reach Full Potential As Heroin Addict
September 4, 2008 – 7:09 pm
ORLANDO—Benjamin “Dry Bones” Gray, a drug dealer and former supplier to Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, expressed bitter…
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Abortion Not Linked To Depression
September 4, 2008 – 6:09 pm
A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing…
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Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets
September 4, 2008 – 5:09 pm
ROANOKE, VA—The media-dubbed “Roanoke miracle dog,” who goes only by the name “Ginger,” has seven brand-new reasons to be overjoyed after…
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Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again
September 4, 2008 – 4:09 pm
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Although veteran Jets quarterback Brett Favre claims he still loves the game, dwindling enthusiasm and a desire to bow out while on top has him contemplating retirement again, Favre confirmed Monday.”I…
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[audio] Gold Medalist Michael Phelps Signs Up To Endorse Pool Noodles
September 3, 2008 – 10:09 pm
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Flies Have Constant Escape Plan
September 3, 2008 – 5:09 pm
Researchers have found that flies are hard to swat because they are able to calculate an escape route within milliseconds of spotting a threat. What…
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New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars
September 3, 2008 – 4:09 pm
DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain’s TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office…
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Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation
September 3, 2008 – 4:09 pm
NEW YORK—In order to make room for the McCain article, a story about Vice President Dick Cheney and 9/11 was relegated to a less prominent position on the front page.
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I’m Fryin’ My Nuts Off!
September 3, 2008 – 4:09 pm
Hola, amigos. I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here. First, I been running like…
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Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive
September 3, 2008 – 4:09 pm
Every part of my body is tingling withexcitement right now.I just got back from the supermarket. It was a crowded Saturday, and…
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[audio] New Denim Jacket Bolsters Consumer Self-Confidence
September 2, 2008 – 10:09 pm
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony
September 2, 2008 – 6:09 pm
WASHINGTON—In a solemn ceremony held in the White House Rose Garden Monday, recently outed Iraq War casualty Sgt. Maj. Michael…
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McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don’t Lead To Creepy Smile
September 2, 2008 – 5:09 pm
PHOENIX, AZ—According to campaign sources, Joseph Chappel, a 38-year-old speechwriter for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), has spent the last two…
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[video] Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain
September 2, 2008 – 4:09 pm
Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the most crotchety candidate possible.
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Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain
September 2, 2008 – 4:09 pm
More than 85 of Sen. Hillary Clinton’s major financial supporters are now backing Sen. John McCain for president. What do you think?
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[video] Old, Grizzled Third Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain
September 1, 2008 – 11:09 pm
Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the most crotchety candidate in the…
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[audio] Brendan’s Brother Reports ‘Brendan Is So Dead’
September 1, 2008 – 11:09 pm
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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